Hook, Line, and Sinker
by efficacious humorosity
Summary: LJ. Sirius Black analyzes two encounters between Lily and James. Using his expert knowledge of the art of flirting, he analyzes what went wrong. Twoshot.
1. Failure

**A/N: Don't own, don't sue. Enjoy this two-shot! Leave a review please! **

Chapter 1: Failure

Hullo!

I'm Sirius Black. Yes, _the_ Sirius Black.

Stop staring at me. I know I'm ruggedly handsome and completely irresistible, but it's unnerving. Moving on.

I am…

Marauder mastermind. Perilous prankster. But most of all… flirting extraordinaire.

That's right. You heard me.

I have flirting down to a science. Siriusly.

Get it? _Sirius_ly? Okay. I know… name puns are lame. Again… moving on.

Now, my favorite technique is the hook-line-sinker. Let's take a look at an example.

Here we have our two lovely young subjects: James Potter and Lily Evans, both at age sixteen.

James Potter: viewed by Lily Evans as an arrogant prick (I can somewhat see why) and my best mate. Devilishly handsome (he made me write that!), messy black hair, hazel eyes, extremely buff. Quidditch hero. Will be referred to as Subject J from here on out.

Lily Evans: brightest witch in our year. She's been fancied by James since third year. Beautiful, dark red hair, emerald green eyes. Genius. Will be referred to Subject L from here on out.

Let's see their encounter in the natural habitat: the Gryffindor common room. I believe Sujbect J will attempt to employ the infamous hook-line-sinker technique.

Hook

hook: (noun) a line used to get the subject's attention. Usually something flirty. Or dirty.

Subject J approaches Subject L with caution, which is probably wise, due to Subject L's tendency to rage while in Subject J's presence. Subject L is finishing up a Potions essay that's due next week… blast. I have to work on that.

Subject J: What's cooking, good-looking?

Analysis: While that familiar pick-up line works for some girls, it was a poor choice given Subject L's history of accusing Subject J of being a "male, chauvanist pig".

Pass or Fail: Fail

Line

line: (noun) a line used to hold the subject's attention and express the sexual interest the speaker has for the subject.

Subject L: Piss off, Potter. Can't you see I'm trying to _enjoy_ sitting by the fire? Can't exactly do that with you here.

Subject J: That hurts, Evans.

Subject L: I know, Potter. That's why I said it.

Subject J: …that's just cruel. How could you hurt me in this way, Lily-flower? How could you reject our love?

Subject L: Easy.

Subject L stands and gathers her belongings. She also lands a good middle punch in Subject J's solar plexus.

Anlaysis: I'm not entirely sure which line was supposed to be _the_ line. I think Subject J blundered when Subject L insulted him.

Pass or Fail: fail

Sinker

sinker: (noun) line used to ensure that the subject has agreed to go on a date with the speaker and solidifies the relationship established between the speaker and the subject

Subject J: Come on now, Lils, don't be like that!

Subject L: Shut the bloody hell up, Potter. I'll be however I want to be.

Subject J: Why be by yourself then, when you can be with me? You know you want to.

Subject L: Not even in your dreams, "Pisser." Run along and die now. No, really. Please.

Subject J: But Lily-!

Subject L: I hear the other ucky people calling you. You go, girl. And don't come back.

Remus Lupin (from here on out, referred to as Other Person R): So, James… how did it go?

Subject J: Ugh.

Other Person R: That bad, eh?

Subject J: She called me a girl!

Other Person R: Maybe she's lesbian.

Subject J: You think so? You think in a sick, twisted lesbo way, she was trying to say that she's madly in love with me?

Other Person R: Blimey, you're thicker than I thought.

Analysis: It would seem that Subject L feels nothing but utter revulsion for Subject J, which is a shame, considering that he's been in love with her for nearly three years now. On the matter of Other Person R, my research has led me to believe that Other Person R's comment about Subject L's questionable sexual orientation was meant to be a joke. However, I have also discovered that Subject J, at the time this encounter took place, was entirely too infatuated with Subject L to think clearly, and therefore missed the joking manner of Other Person R's statement.

Pass or Fail: Fail

Overall Pass or Fail: Fail

Letter Grade: F-

Number Grade: 0

Score on the Flirtability Factor Scale: -5

Score on the Crash and Burn Scale: 20

Overall Analysis: My research has led me to believe that there are two reasons Subject J failed in his attempts to win over Subject L. The first reason is that Subject J failed to express any maturity and/or class in his words and actions. "What's cooking, good-looking?" expresses absolutely no class whatsoever. It fails on most girls, with the exception of strippers. As for maturity, whining like an infant does nothing whatsoever to convince the object of your affections that you are mature and therefore worthy of a date and his or her time.

The second reason for Subject J's failure is Subject L's firm belief that Subject J is a "bullying, arrogant toerag." Of course, Subject J has the previous five years supporting this statement (or accusation, whichever way the cookie crumbles for you). But I fear that, even if Subject J were to change his behavior and grow up a bit, Subject L is too prejudiced at this point to see past his past and see the new Subject J.

As Subject J's best friend, I feel the need to express my concern for his recent crash and burn. I also express concern for my own mental health, for Subject J can never seem to shut up about Subject L… even in his sleep. I fear that if I have one more sleep conversation with Subject J about all the wonderful qualities of Subject L, I am liable to pull my own hair out, roots and all.

Until next time,

Dr. Sirius Black.

Yes. _Doctor. _You know that sounds sexy.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: This is the second and last chapter. Please be kind and leave a review! I still own nothing. Enjoy it anyway. **

Chapter 2: Sweet Victory

Oh. It's you again.

Again… I'm Dr. Sirius Black. Doctor of love and scientist of flirting.

Oh yeah. Now.

When we left off, Subject J had crashed and burned while attempting to use the hook-link-sinker technique to persuade Subject L to go on a date with him. That was over a year ago. The relationship between the subjects has changed.

Subject J, after the last encounter chronicled in my science journal, has grown to show more maturity and express it, especially when around Subject L.

Subject L, unfortunately, took no notice.

That is, until Subject L was made Head Girl and Subject J was made Head Boy during our seventh and final year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Due to the many long months (full of screams and much hair-pulling), Subject L and Subject J are friends.

Miracle of miracles. Praise Merlin. Now.

Subject J, after much consideration, planning, and pacing (there is now a rut in the Gryffindor common room floor), once more decided to court Subject L, using the hook, line, and sinker technique. Perhaps he will succeed. Perhaps not. We shall see.

Hook

Subject J finds Subject L outside in the Astronomy Tower, lying on her back on the cold stones and looking up at the stars. The perfect romantic scenario. How convenient. Make no mistake, I will be launching a full investigation into the questionable nature of Subject L's convenient location.

Subject J lies on the stones next to Subject L, folding his hands behind his head and looking up at the stars as well.

Excuse me.

The doctor is gagging.

I'm done now. Let's move on.

Subject J: It's a beautiful night… just like you, Lily.

Analysis: While it's a commonly used and clichéd line, it does tend to do the trick… especially when the mood is set just right for romance and hormones (a.k.a.- out on the Astronomy Tower, looking at the stars). If Subject J had used this line a year ago, Subject L would most likely have a) gagged, b) slapped him, or c) both a and b. However, considering the new fangled close friendship, she will most likely construe it as a compliment and accept it graciously, giving Subject J her full attention.

Pass or Fail: Pass

Line

Subject L looks over at Subject J, smiling widely at him.

Subject L: Thanks, James… but you flatter me.

Subject J: No, no… it's true.

Subject L: Well… thanks again. It's much nicer to get a compliment from you than from a Hufflepuff whose whole body seems to reside in the gutter. I'm sure you can imagine what _that_ was like…

Subject J: I can… ew. Who was he? I'll beat the snot out of him!

Subject L: Calm down, James… he's not worth it. It was Henry Gregory. What an annoying, perverted prat… with two first names.

Subject J laughs in appreciation for Subject L's jab at people who have to first names.

Subject L: I'm so glad we're friends this year.

Subject J: Me too… you know, I've been thinking about us a lot recently.

Analysis: Subject L accepts the hook graciously and thanks him for it. So far, all signs are a go. Subject L's willingness to open up to Subject J about personal life is a good sign. It shows that she trusts him and has no problem talking to him intimately. Communication is a must. Merlin, I sound like that Muggle man Subject L was telling me about… Dr. Hill? Dr. Jill? Oh well. To hell with it.

Subject J also displays a great desire to protect Subject L, which is something girls typically find endearing, as long as it isn't overbearing. His want to protect her shows that he cares for her, which is essential in any relationship.

The line is actually of quite good quality. Only a teensy bit clichéd. It's very to the point and it shows class and maturity. After all, you have to be classy and mature to think. Which is why you don't.

Oh. Burn. Would you like some ice for that burn?

Cough. Moving on.

Pass or Fail: Pass

Sinker

Subject L: Oh yeah? What about us?

Subject J: Well… you remember how I used to ask you out constantly?

Subject L giggles girlishly at this point.

Subject L: How could I forget? And I turned you down flat on your face, every time without fail.

Subject J: Right… thanks for reminding me.

Subject L: Sorry. So what about it?"

Subject J: Well… I sort of wondered… I thought maybe… I was wondering…

Subject J seems to be floundering. Merlin, help us all.

Subject L: Spit it out, James.

Subject J: Right… Lily, simply put, I want to be more than friends.

Analysis: It's simple. Straightforward. To the point. Quite a nice choice, really, for a guy like Subject J courting a girl like Subject L. It might actually work this time…

Pass or Fail: Pass

Outcome

Subject L falls silent and Subject J begins to babble. That boy sure can lose his head.

Subject J: I can't understand if you don't feel the same way… it's quite all right, really… it's okay… being friends is enough for me…

Subject L: Do you want more?

Subject J: Yes, I just said that.

Subject L: So do I.

Subject J: I understand completely… wait. What?

Subject L: I want you and I to be more than friends.

Subject J: So… does this mean you'll go to Hogsmeade with me?

Subject L: No, you prat!

Subject J's face falls.

Subject L: I'll do that _and_ I'll be your girlfriend.

Subject J: Lily? 

Subject L: Yes, James?

Subject J: I love you.

Subject L: James… I love you, too.

Overall Pass or Fail: Pass

Letter Grade: A ++ baby!

Number Grade: 101

Score on the Flirtability Factor Scale: 20

Score on the Crash and Burn Scale: -7

Overall Analysis: Subject J successfully courted Subject L by exuding class and maturity as well as sensitivity. Subject L also allowed herself to see the maturity and all the good qualities of Subject J, and was therefore no longer so prejudiced against him. In this awesome doctor's opinion, this is the start of a wonderful relationship.

Well. That concludes this scientific report.

Until next time.

Always yours, in more way than one (wink, wink).

The sexy Dr. Sirius Black.


End file.
